Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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