you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
