Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
