She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
