she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
