grandma shit on top of the toilet
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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