I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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