awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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