dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
