Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
