I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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