"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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