I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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