she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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