My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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