Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
