next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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