Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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