Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
