Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
