She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
there's paper in my vomit.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We are two peas in an std pod
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
