note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Less talking, more tequila
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
