I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
