this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Are we still banned from the library?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
