No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
