He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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