no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Screwed.edu
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
