I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
