just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
