i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
