Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
