So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
