No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
