so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
