hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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