I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
