im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
