Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Green mimosas i think yes
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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