it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
