I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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