Duck Duck Cougar?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
