WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
