Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
