did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
