Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
