My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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