i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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