is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
