Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
