i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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