guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
not ubering you a puppy
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
