Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
