Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
