Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I met the friendliest cop last night
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
