i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
