I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
