I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
