I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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