You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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