I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think my mom watched the whole time
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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