Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
