My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
